An Essential Guide to Understanding P-Secs, Sepoys, and Other Colonized Indian Minds

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The references to other religions and their traditions are not meant to be derogatory, only indicative of the double-standards employed by P-Secs when dealing with different communities and their perceived absurdities- actual or otherwise, which I believe should either be addressed uniformly, or not at all. 

I hold that adherents of all religious tradition have an equal right over their respective beliefs (or lack thereof), and their associated practices, so long as they do not infringe upon the fundamental rights of ‘non-believers’.

The signature trait of any satire is its capacity to disseminate ideas and highlight areas of incompetencies on part of individuals, groups, or even prevailing mindsets, by encasing them in capsules coated with humor, exaggeration irony and sarcasm. Often, this allows for a more engaging reading and- I must confess- writing experience. Lastly, the (intended) frivolous mood created on account of this “delivery system” should not override or undermine the germ of truth contained within each capsule. When the coating dissolves, the content remains; this is the heart of satire. Prashant Parikh.

INTRODUCTION: Colonized Indians come in more flavors than ‘Baskin Robbins^®’, with each member holding meritorious distinctions in areas such as Anti-Nationalism, Minority-Appeasement, Western-Universalism, Pseudo-Secularism, Adarsh-Liberalism, among other equally lauded (and hyphenated) philosophical disciplines. While covering aspects of each of these, a greater focus will be placed on a small subset, whom we affectionately refer to here as ‘Pseudo Secularists’, or ‘P-Secs’ for short.

P-Secs are expert level Ninjas. They have been trained in the harshest environments to hone their defenses and strengthen their attacks. At home in the shadows, they are among us, but use stealth tactics to remain unseen. Various experts from around the globe have devised numerous ways to identify a P-sec before they spring an attack, but have met only with limited success. Now, it is tasked upon us to help identify a few of the defining traits of these crafty devils via better understanding their views in the following 40 subject areas:

1. On Fasting:

P-Secs find it praiseworthy when politicians fasts during Islamic ‘Ramzan‘ or the Christian ‘Lent‘

Isvara forbid, if one were to fast during ‘Navaratri’ (tut- tut, Mr. Modi), it is to be deemed as “unsecular”, and “communal”.

2. On Revitalizing:

When their battery power is low, P-Secs and their Sepoy counterparts can get a free recharge at JNU, TISS, Lady Shri Ram College, St. Stephens College, NDTV, Tehelka, CNN-IBN, and other ‘Hot-Spots’– to name a few, via a socket at the back of their heads.

…Look out for 3-Pin shaped electric burns above the neckline.

3. On Employment Opportunities:

Graduated from, work for, or are fan-boys (and girls) of the aforementioned “educational“ institutions and media emporiums– err, I mean outlets.

LITMUS TEST 1:

Highly allergic to Khaki shorts. Hold a pair in front of them- if they scream in terror and/or attempt to attack, you know you’ve identified a P-sec.

CAUTION: Keep a Taser or Pepper Spray ready in case it induces an uncontrolled psychotic reaction.

4. 
   On Terrorism:

“ His name is Khan, and he is not a terrorist, but that other guy walking down the street wearing Saffron Robes, oh yeah, DEFINITELY a terrorist and a dhongi!!! ”

…says every P-Sec you’ll ever meet.

5. On Hero Worship:

Colonized Indians perform Nitya Puja on the following minor deities:

Srimati Sagarika Ghosh, Raghuvamsi Rajdeep Sardesai, Nityatrptam Nidhi Razdan, and upon the Kamala-charana of Karan (and Romila) Thapar– to name a few- after propitiating their Supreme Leader, Param Adarniya Bhudevi Barkha Dutt.

6. On Style Icons:

Thinks Sanjay Jha is funny/witty…

…and that Rahul Gandhi will make a great youth leader.

7. On Festivities:

Music too loud during Hindu festivals: Demands 10 PM curfew during Navaratri for Dandiya & Garba.

But, early morning calls to Prayer (and 5 times throughout the rest of the day) during Ramzan – ahh, music to the ears!

8. On Science and Superstition:

Stopping traffic, and flogging oneself in the middle of the road during ‘Muhurram’ is Scientific, or at least socially acceptable.

But observing ‘Karwa Chauth’ is Superstitious, Regressive, and Patriarchal

9. On Practices:

Observing Western traditions related to Easter, “Good” Friday, Christmas and Eid is Secular.

But performing our home-grown ‘Surya Namaskaras’ during ‘International Yoga Day’ is surely a Hindutva ploy to take over the world.

LITMUS TEST 2:

Cannot digest food with Kesar (Saffron) in it. Add some to their drink, if it induces an allergic reaction (or incessant abusing), remember the pepper spray.

10. On Compassion:

Based on Superior Western Sensibilities, killing Dogs for food in China is Cruelty.

Killing Cows for food in India, however, is an Inalienable Human Right.

11. On Integrity:

Believes ‘HONESTY’ certificates should be handed out by the Office of Arvind Kejriwal.

The first lot is to be issued to all Politicians, especially (but not exclusive to) members of the Congress Party, along with perpetrators of ‘2G’, ‘3G’, ‘Coal G’, ‘Bofors G’, ‘Agusta G’, and of course ‘Sonia & Rahul G’

12. On Wisdom:

Firmly believes in the adage ‘Silence is Golden’

Cites Maun-mohan Singh as a shining example

13. On Nomenclature:

Prefer naming roads of national prominence after Barbarians.

…Ok, ok- I’m sorry- Aurangzeb was a Kind, Benevolent and Thoughtful leader who loved, and in turn was greatly loved by his people- now PLEASE, put that gun down! L

14. On Pollution:

P-Secs believe that fireworks burst on New Year’s Eve (Gregorian Calendar, of course, since it is obviously unfashionable to celebrate our own) are incapable of polluting the environment

However, the same ones burst during Diwali not only pollute the environment but also frighten dogs and little children.

Corollary: Secular Scientists observe that Fireworks burst during any event other than Diwali, actually absorb pollution and make the earth a cleaner, greener place to live.

15. On Faith:

Saying “Touch wood” or “Knock on Wood” to avoid a spate of bad luck is progressive.

Chanting Bhagya Suktam for good fortune is regressive

16. On Customs:

Kissing the ‘Kaaba’, or getting one’s head dunked in water during Baptism is Tradition.

Performing Murti Puja or offering Tarpanam in the river is Superstition

17. On the Environment:

Uprooting scores of evergreen conifers for use as ‘Christmas Trees’, is jollity.

Using water during Holi is a travesty

18. On Poetry:

Tirth Yatra – Naa naaa naaaa!
Mecca Jana – Waah, waaah, waaaah!
Priest/Padre or Maulana – Oh, bless me please!
Saffron clad Swami – Char Sau Bees!

19. On Classics:

Studied Shakespearean plays and can quote lines from ‘Hamlet’, ‘Othello’ and ‘King Lear’ backwards, in their sleep.

Thinks ‘Kalidasa’ is the concluding saga to the Bollywood Film trilogy consisting of ‘Kala-Pani’ and ‘Kala-Patthar’, while ‘Shakuntala’ refers to someone’s house-maid.

LITMUS TEST 3:

De-odorants and Colognes are passé. Instead, apply a De-Colonization spray. If it causes a gag reflex in any passerby- congratulations, you have them cornered. And yes, as always, use pepper spray to incapacitate and detain.

20. On Fashion:

Stifling Business Suits during hot Indian summers, requiring compulsorily air conditioned home/car/office to prevent excessive perspiration, bacterial buildup and subsequent body-odor (or hyperthermia if you’re really unlucky), considered highly fashionable/appropriate;

In contrast, wearing comfortable dhoti with in-built ventilation and easy-to-wash fabric deemed unfashionable/inappropriate.

21. On National Security:

The Country’s safety is a high-priority issue for Sepoys; everyone big or small, young or old, rich or poor, must be frisked at the airport

Unless, of course, you are ‘Daamaad # 1’, Mr. Robert Vadra

22. On Contemporary Affairs:

The average Colonized mind considers ‘HuffPost India’, ‘Scroll.in’ authoritative sources of news, possibly writes for them, or is best friends with someone who does.

23. On Vanity:

Application of Red Lipstick is classy;
Applying Red Bindi is ghastly.

Highlighting Hair is fancy;
Wearing Sindhoor is trashy

24. On Tokens of Endearment:

Wedding Ring = Sign of Love, Commitment and Matrimonial Bliss;

Mangal Sutra = Sign of Control, Servitude, and Male Domination.

25. On Assemblies:

Secular to hold prayers and dance dramas exclusively in praise of Jesus, in Hindu Majority Convent run schools.

Communal to even contemplate– let alone actualize- having only Hindu prayers/thematic elements, in Hindu Majority, Hindu run schools.

…Oh, and don’t even think of singing Vande Mataram in movie theatres. That is downright criminal.

26. On Toxicology:

Fatal reaction to RSS, even their computer conks off when their browsers receive ‘RSS feeds’ (Google it)

27. On Activism:

Filed petition on Change.org to append the ‘Four Noble Truths’ of Buddhism to include a Fifth: ||| RSS is the root of all suffering |||

Filed another one to have Saffron in the Indian flag replaced with Red, and a Hammer & Sickle put in place of the Chakra.

LITMUS TEST 4:

When passing by a crowd, recite the slogan ‘Abki baar Modi Sarkar’. The first guy reaching into his pocket is carrying concealed firearms.
Pepper Spray ineffective; use Taser, toast the guy like you’re Darth Sideous.

28. On Historical Epics:

The Iliad and Odyssey have a place in the Indian School Curriculum.

Ramayana and Mahabharata, on the other hand, are tools of cultural indoctrination.

29. On Inspiration:

Imagery of Superlative Strength invoked by Hercules and Atlas, not Hanumana or Bhima

30. On Childhood Education:

Grimm’s Fairy Tales and Aesop’s Fables offer superior anecdotes and virtues for growing children to emulate.

Tales from Panchatantra and Jataka are banal and archaic, and can corrupt impressionable young minds.

31. On Scriptural Authority:

Considers Western Academicians such as Wendy Doniger, Jeffrey Kripal and Sheldon Pollock authentic experts on “Hinduism”,

While all practicing Hindus, especially our Sampradayavit Gurus are inept, ignorant, uneducated, unqualified– and of course, communal.

32. On Apparel:

Wearing a Cross ‘+’ Chain or Tattoo makes you look cool,

Sporting a Japa-Mala labels you a fool
…but will definitely land you a Villainous Role in Indian cinema

33. On Greeting:

Joining hands and saying ‘Namaste’ is a stupid, complicated ancient custom that must be discarded.

Instead, you must say ‘Hi’, ‘Hello’ or ‘Good Day’ while grabbing someone’s extended arm by extending your own, hoping it meets mid-way, and then briskly moving it up and down, once again hoping that the amplitude of your motion is not canceled by the opposite movement of the other person’s, wondering how long to wait before detaching, and of course all in the process of exchanging a few germs (it’s true, look it up).

34. On Etiquette:

One must master the use a large collection of utensils– from Fondue Forks to Grapefruit Knives, before being seated among civilized members of society.

Eating with one’s Hands (like they do in India) is primitive and uncivilized.

“That’s right, dear; we’re not going home until you learn to cut your Chap??is with a Knife.”

LITMUS TEST 5:

The only one who can understand a P-Sec is another P-Sec, because the first person can’t explain his stance and the second one will pretend to agree out of camaraderie. If you come across such individuals jabbering away, do not hesitate to incant either ‘Crucio’, ‘Imperio’, ‘Avada Kedavra’, or even all 3. Don’t worry; even Azkaban isn’t ready to admit these guys.

35. On Linguistics:

Insists that Sanskrit is a dead language.

Tries their level best to kill it while it’s alive.

36. On Mutual Respect:

Western Missionaries have a divine right to convert

Ghar Wapsi supporters have no damned right to revert

37. On Social and Economic Standing:

Mastery over Mleccha Bhashas such as English, French, German or Spanish considered laud-worthy;
Speaking English poorly will ensure classification as a low-class peasant fit only for menial jobs and minimum wage.

Contrarily, studying one’s own Matr?a Bhashas, or Sanskrit, deemed a total waste of time.
The less you know about your culture, the higher your chance of monetary and social success

   38. On Affiliations:

1. Member or Admirer of the Big Bindi Brigade
2. Given to Marxist/Leninist/Communist or possibly Left-(il)liberal-Pseudo Progressive world views
3. Supporter of (at least one) Anti-National Western Human-Rights movement
4. Quite possibly a rabid Feminist

39. On Empowering Women:

Worship of a monotheistic, iconoclastic, gender-biased male God of the desert, and their associated religious treatment (such as stoning women) is in perfect keeping with the goal of gender equality.

But will find a twisted way to portray the worship of feminine deities in Sanatana Dharma as a tool for subjugating women and violating the precepts of feminism

40. On Comparison:

Whenever drawing a simile, makes sure to always raise – but never quite reach – anything Indian to the level of its Western equivalents (Read: Superiors), but not the other way around.

Examples:

• Bhagavad Gita is the Bible of India
• Kashmir is the Switzerland of India
• Kalidasa is the Shakespeare of India
• Thyagaraja is the Mozart of India
• Adi Shankara is the Aristotle of India

Bharatiya School Student: Ma’am, may I ask one question?
Adarsh Liberal Teacher: Haan beta, please ask 
Bharatiya School Student: Is Harvard the Takshashila of America?
Adarsh Liberal Teacher: Oye, chup! Tere ko keede pade you Communal, Unsecular, Nationalist, Modi Bhakt, Hindutvadi, Daku, Gunde, Lucche, Lafange, Regressive, Orthodox, Saffron-brigadier, Intolerant…!

||| SAMAPTAM |||

… Sorry, sorry, I mean:

||| THE END |||